![]() When I moved to the U.S., I had a chance to develop a different persona. I have suffered from chronic depression since I was a teenager. I mean, if I were able to just go through my days without suffering, then I would call that happiness.Īnd here is where this story gets complicated, because my father's illness is not the only thing that pushed me to leave Spain. MACIAS: For me, being happy means to not suffer, basically. LISA: What do you think it means to be happy? MACIAS: On the other hand, I have this constant fear that no matter what I do, I will never be happy. We were talking about happiness, my favorite topic. This is a recording from a conversation I had with my friend Lisa in 2021. ![]() MACIAS: On one hand, I have this - like, this constant need to make decisions to be happier. That was the time that I was the farthest away from Seville, but I would still go back for Christmas every year. We would go to the bar on Sundays, eat wings, drink beer and cheer for the Steelers. ![]() She made me a football fan - American football, that is. Julia taught me so many of the things I know about this country. Her name is not actually Julia, but we'll call her that. Then, not long after I started my job as a radio producer, I met Julia. But this job seemed like my first success. I even had support from my family in my early years here. to accomplish things, and I am by all means a privileged immigrant. But in 2004, after graduating from Brooklyn College, I was offered a job in public radio, and I couldn't turn it down. I wanted to study radio production for a year, maybe two. MACIAS: My initial plan was not necessarily to stay in the United States permanently. I've come back home for Christmas to Spain every single year.Īnd through the years, through the decades, I've asked myself time after time, where should I be? What version of myself is more real? Should I stop looking back or should I simply go back to where I'm from once and for all? I've worked myself to the ground day after day. I've held on to my friendships in Spain for decades. Heck, there are probably 500 kinds of immigrants, but let's just say for now that there are two kinds - the ones who don't look back, and the ones who spend their lives looking back. MACIAS: There are two kinds of immigrants. seemed like the logical place for me to go. So when I decided that I wanted to go live somewhere else, the U.S. MACIAS: During those years, the United States became my escape. It was too hard for you, so you kind of got away from the whole family. But after the stroke, my relationship with him could not have been worse.īEATRIZ: I felt you separated from - I don't know if the family or me. He was old-fashioned, obsessed with work and productivity. My mother always tells me that I was really close to him. MACIAS: I barely remember anything about my father before he had the stroke. MACIAS: My sister Beatriz remembers the years after my father's stroke.īEATRIZ: When we were having lunch as teenagers, I don't know if you felt abandoned in some way by him. My father had become disabled after he had a stroke a few years before.īEATRIZ: Yeah, I remember you couldn't look at him in the face. My parents signed me up for one of those summer programs to learn English. MACIAS: The first time I ever visited the U.S. Miguel Macias is going to take it from here. And that brings up other questions for him about the decisions we make in life and how to live with those choices.ĬHANG: CONSIDER THIS - what are the emotional consequences of emigrating to a different country? And does it take a life-long emotional toll?ĬHANG: From NPR, I'm Ailsa Chang. Over the years, he has wondered time and time again about his decision to leave his country and whether to return one day. She says she even feels like crying just talking about it.ĬHANG: Today, Miguel's mother feels that the United States is as much Miguel's homeland as Spain and Seville.ĬHANG: Miguel has lived here for over two decades, and his story of migration is in some ways unique but also similar to that of many immigrants. That no one ever thinks that their son is not going to come back when they leave. MIGUEL MACIAS, BYLINE: (Speaking Spanish).ĬHANG: They talk about the family, whatever is happening in her life.ĬHANG: And some years ago, Miguel, who is a senior producer for All Things Considered, started a documentary project, and he asked his mother questions he had never asked her before.ĬHANG: His mother says that she never quite believed that Miguel had left Spain for good.ĬHANG. Miguel Macias gets a call from his mother in Spain every few weeks.
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